( i saw. nat doesn't insult her by pretending not to know what she's talking about — there can only be one answer, one fragile, painful truth that nat has been too much of a coward to tell her about herself. too scared of shauna, too uninterested in responsibility, too pained by the reality of what she took part in, too happy to have jackie back for however brief a time. a child's imaginary play, like dolls in a dollhouse. eventually, reality had to set in — now, here, it does.
they ate jackie, like a roast rabbit. sucked on her bones. pretended not to lick their fingers.
they didn't tell her. natalie didn't. the fantasy of not doing it was too sweet to deny. )
[ she's angry. she wants to be angrier about what had happened than she actually is, but deep down, the part of her that's still functioning beyond you ate me you ate me you ate me and you didn't tell me, nobody did is glad they found a way not to starve, is glad she was useful for something even if she'd had to die to find a purpose. and hadn't she kept herself from asking, even as things had gotten more strained, even after they had all woken up with more knowledge she didn't have? wasn't she happy not to know?
but what she's angriest about is how it had been kept from her. that she'd had to find out by whatever fucked up things have been making people see things others had lived through, that she probably never would have known about it at all if not for that. ]
( the perfect excuse is right there, tip of the tongue — shauna made me, you have no idea how scary she is, she told me and i promised because i know what she's capable of. and yet. the very fact that natalie did promise stays her tongue — shauna didn't make her do anything, and it isn't a valid excuse, and even if it was, shauna's probably in enough shit with jackie as is. not that she cares. not that it changes anything. but there are corners of natalie that are still as protective over shauna as they are over misty, and she doesn't want to stir the pot. she wants to make this unforgivable thing okay, best as she can. )
how do you admit to something like that? what are you supposed to do with knowing it? all telling does is make you hate us. i didn't want that. i know it's not a good excuse. i'm like ashamed. it makes my skin crawl
[ jackie reads the first part of her response over and over, often enough to lose count, as she weighs the words in her mind. the truth is, she can understand it. they’d been desperate and hungry even before winter started. she doesn’t know everything, but one thing she does know is it’s only gotten worse. beyond shauna, beyond more people dying. beyond even people finding them. ]
I don’t hate you. If it kept you alive, I don’t I didn’t want anyone to starve.
[ it’s kind of startling to realize that she means that. she’d only gotten a glimpse of what had lead them to that, but it had been enough to understand, even if she’s not sure she’ll ever get it, not really. they’d lived through it. she hadn’t.
she wants to add something else, but then the second part of natalie’s message comes through. ]
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they ate jackie, like a roast rabbit. sucked on her bones. pretended not to lick their fingers.
they didn't tell her. natalie didn't. the fantasy of not doing it was too sweet to deny. )
i'm sorry
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but what she's angriest about is how it had been kept from her. that she'd had to find out by whatever fucked up things have been making people see things others had lived through, that she probably never would have known about it at all if not for that. ]
Why didn't you say anything?
no subject
how do you admit to something like that? what are you supposed to do with knowing it?
all telling does is make you hate us. i didn't want that. i know it's not a good excuse. i'm like
ashamed. it makes my skin crawl
you weren't the last one.
no subject
I don’t hate you. If it kept you alive, I don’t
I didn’t want anyone to starve.
[ it’s kind of startling to realize that she means that. she’d only gotten a glimpse of what had lead them to that, but it had been enough to understand, even if she’s not sure she’ll ever get it, not really. they’d lived through it. she hadn’t.
she wants to add something else, but then the second part of natalie’s message comes through. ]
I wasn’t?