( the perfect excuse is right there, tip of the tongue — shauna made me, you have no idea how scary she is, she told me and i promised because i know what she's capable of. and yet. the very fact that natalie did promise stays her tongue — shauna didn't make her do anything, and it isn't a valid excuse, and even if it was, shauna's probably in enough shit with jackie as is. not that she cares. not that it changes anything. but there are corners of natalie that are still as protective over shauna as they are over misty, and she doesn't want to stir the pot. she wants to make this unforgivable thing okay, best as she can. )
how do you admit to something like that? what are you supposed to do with knowing it? all telling does is make you hate us. i didn't want that. i know it's not a good excuse. i'm like ashamed. it makes my skin crawl
[ jackie reads the first part of her response over and over, often enough to lose count, as she weighs the words in her mind. the truth is, she can understand it. they’d been desperate and hungry even before winter started. she doesn’t know everything, but one thing she does know is it’s only gotten worse. beyond shauna, beyond more people dying. beyond even people finding them. ]
I don’t hate you. If it kept you alive, I don’t I didn’t want anyone to starve.
[ it’s kind of startling to realize that she means that. she’d only gotten a glimpse of what had lead them to that, but it had been enough to understand, even if she’s not sure she’ll ever get it, not really. they’d lived through it. she hadn’t.
she wants to add something else, but then the second part of natalie’s message comes through. ]
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no subject
how do you admit to something like that? what are you supposed to do with knowing it?
all telling does is make you hate us. i didn't want that. i know it's not a good excuse. i'm like
ashamed. it makes my skin crawl
you weren't the last one.
no subject
I don’t hate you. If it kept you alive, I don’t
I didn’t want anyone to starve.
[ it’s kind of startling to realize that she means that. she’d only gotten a glimpse of what had lead them to that, but it had been enough to understand, even if she’s not sure she’ll ever get it, not really. they’d lived through it. she hadn’t.
she wants to add something else, but then the second part of natalie’s message comes through. ]
I wasn’t?