( ridiculously kind of him, as nat had no clue how to broach the subject. she should know better — travis is literally the best person she knows. of course he’s been worried. )
hey
yeah im good. sorry about everything. especially if i hurt you i didn’t mean to
no no jesus i mean, i always want to. i def wanted to. i liked it it’s more like
( how to put it? she wasn’t the one on her back, pushed in the dirt, teeth in their neck. she wasn’t the one bullied into it being how, exactly, she wanted it. anytime they’ve done that before, she’s never been the one saying no, because when it comes to trav, it’s always, always a yes. )
i just i know it was weird. i was acting weird. i know you don’t like that so if i made you feel like. you know. gross or whatever. i won’t do it again it doesn’t have to be like that again ok?
( cellphones. what an amazing invention. she can say all this and not have to look him in the eye while he goes through all the stages of emotion he’s probably going through. disgust? disinterest? maybe — relief? nat lets her mind wander. )
[it was weird. but for once he wasn't on the receiving end of some quasi drug-induced intensity alone, and nat had been riding the wave with him. they shared a moment that felt like a revelation.]
we were both acting different
['weird' makes his mind put the experience in a negative light, and he doesn't want to think of them together as 'weird'.]
but I don't feel like that at all. [being vulnerable with her in person is hard. this is easier and not at the same time. he's made steps toward changing how he approaches emotional situations, but he still struggles with putting the right words to how he feels.] It wasn't bad.
[trying to reassure, to reaffirm.]
but I want to be with you without whatever that was.
( it wasn’t bad is decidedly not the same thing as it was good, which nat decides not to take super personally. kind of. at least he doesn’t seem mad, which is probably the most she can hope for after mauling his neck. )
agreed i like how we are together, trav. and i like who i am with you you’re my favorite person ever forever jsyk
( file it under: things that are easier to write than say. )
anyway um well idk how long it takes to like know… so anyway i’ll take a test and i can loop you in if it’s whatever or if you don’t wanna know about it you don’t have to lol
[favorite person ever forever? staring at the screen, wondering what he's supposed to say to that. should he return the sentiment, or will that feel forced? he's taking way too long to respond. fuck.]
I like who I am with you too. Am I really your favorite?
[oh. that too. his minor turmoil evolves into visceral panic, stomach dropping.]
Nat you don't have to do that alone like I want to be there for you. With you
( too much, maybe? there’s pressure there, she imagines — but he’s not her favorite because he’s perfect, or something. he’s her favorite because he’s sweet. and surprisingly — gentle. unlike anyone else she knows inside or out of the wilderness, that’s for sure. plus the competition isn’t too fierce for favorites when it comes to natalie anyway, and no one is exactly chomping at the bit to be besties, so.
there’s a weight off her chest. to be fair, she really thought it would be okay either way, except now she’s sure that it wouldn’t, and that trav made the right choice. she doesn’t have to do it alone — and that’s cool, really cool, the thought of travis being there with her. that he wants to be. )
ok cool i still have to track a test down but ill let you know when i do
[wow. saying wow silently to himself. typing wow and deleting it because it sounds dumb and reads worse. nat is being so open with him and everything he can think of saying in response sounds stupid, never quite enough.]
I feel the same about you.
[does that sound stupid too? will she take it the wrong way? god he hopes not.]
Yeah I got you. Do you want me to help you look for one too?
( well. he seemed to have fun in the woods with lottie. nat had no idea she was missed. )
i was telling shauna i want to explore the boundary around the house too. apparently if you walk too far into the woods you get super sick or something wanna come with? i mean ... test first obviously. but after that. if you feel like it it'll probably suck. but at least it'll suck together
[she's right. a lot has changed since then, but his feelings for her haven't. her role made her seem more distant, even less approachable. then lottie kept convincing him that he was needed somewhere else and it seemed more important. there isn't that barrier between them here.]
I know. But I did like being out there with you.
[and it's not like nat was able to make as much time for him anyway. a brief pause,]
Pretty weird being around a bunch of people again.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
@trees
are you feeling ok? After everything.
[how do you ask your girlfriend/not-girlfriend if the experience in the woods was okay and/or good for her...or worse: if she regrets it.]
no subject
hey
yeah im good. sorry about everything. especially if i hurt you
i didn’t mean to
( an awkward pause — )
you ok?
no subject
it's okay. I'm fine
[he liked it. but now he doesn't know if she liked it.]
like I don't want you to be... sorry for it. Did you not want to?
no subject
i mean, i always want to. i def wanted to. i liked it
it’s more like
( how to put it? she wasn’t the one on her back, pushed in the dirt, teeth in their neck. she wasn’t the one bullied into it being how, exactly, she wanted it. anytime they’ve done that before, she’s never been the one saying no, because when it comes to trav, it’s always, always a yes. )
i just
i know it was weird. i was acting weird. i know you don’t like that
so if i made you feel like. you know. gross or whatever. i won’t do it again
it doesn’t have to be like that again
ok?
( cellphones. what an amazing invention. she can say all this and not have to look him in the eye while he goes through all the stages of emotion he’s probably going through. disgust? disinterest? maybe — relief? nat lets her mind wander. )
no subject
we were both acting different
['weird' makes his mind put the experience in a negative light, and he doesn't want to think of them together as 'weird'.]
but I don't feel like that at all. [being vulnerable with her in person is hard. this is easier and not at the same time. he's made steps toward changing how he approaches emotional situations, but he still struggles with putting the right words to how he feels.] It wasn't bad.
[trying to reassure, to reaffirm.]
but I want to be with you without whatever that was.
cw: pregnancy
agreed
i like how we are together, trav. and i like who i am with you
you’re my favorite person ever forever jsyk
( file it under: things that are easier to write than say. )
anyway um
well idk how long it takes to like
know…
so anyway i’ll take a test and i can loop you in if it’s
whatever
or if you don’t wanna know about it you don’t have to
lol
no subject
I like who I am with you too. Am I really your favorite?
[oh. that too. his minor turmoil evolves into visceral panic, stomach dropping.]
Nat you don't have to do that alone
like I want to be there for you. With you
no subject
you are
( too much, maybe? there’s pressure there, she imagines — but he’s not her favorite because he’s perfect, or something. he’s her favorite because he’s sweet. and surprisingly — gentle. unlike anyone else she knows inside or out of the wilderness, that’s for sure. plus the competition isn’t too fierce for favorites when it comes to natalie anyway, and no one is exactly chomping at the bit to be besties, so.
there’s a weight off her chest. to be fair, she really thought it would be okay either way, except now she’s sure that it wouldn’t, and that trav made the right choice. she doesn’t have to do it alone — and that’s cool, really cool, the thought of travis being there with her. that he wants to be. )
ok cool
i still have to track a test down but ill let you know when i do
thanks trav
no subject
I feel the same about you.
[does that sound stupid too? will she take it the wrong way? god he hopes not.]
Yeah I got you. Do you want me to help you look for one too?
no subject
( there's a sudden, dramatic lightness to her. the whole world seems a lot brighter, when travis says things like that. )
sure if you wanna come with
it'll be like old times. just yknow ... indoors.
less cold at least
no subject
I kinda miss that
being out in the woods with you
no subject
( well. he seemed to have fun in the woods with lottie. nat had no idea she was missed. )
i was telling shauna i want to explore the boundary around the house too. apparently if you walk too far into the woods you get super sick or something
wanna come with? i mean ... test first obviously. but after that. if you feel like it
it'll probably suck. but at least it'll suck together
no subject
I cant let you go off doing that alone. We need to stick together. Especially if something can happen to you.
no subject
but i'm glad it hasn't
no subject
I know. But I did like being out there with you.
[and it's not like nat was able to make as much time for him anyway. a brief pause,]
Pretty weird being around a bunch of people again.
no subject
fucking gen
( training her to hunt so nat didn't have to. sucks because — nat liked hunting. she liked doing it with travis. )
i know right? it's a lot. sorta ... loud i guess?
i'd rather just be with you
no subject
lol yeah. Loud is one way to put it.
[she's throwing him for a loop with all these compliments.]
You know we can hang out whenever we want right?