( eating people. it's like a knife, and nat is immediately defensive — we were starving, she thinks. we wouldn't do it otherwise.
but the fact is: someone told him something. unless there are other teenaged cannibals running around here somewhere, that means one of hers squealed, after they all promised not to. nat knows exactly who she thinks it was. )
Back at your birthday...your coach said something about the lot of you getting stranded in the wilderness. Talked to a girl on the network whose friend died in the winter.
Thought it might've been you. Or one of yours, I guess.
( there it is, then — shauna fucking shipman. )
we didn't
( long minutes in between — left to fester, like coach ben scott's rotting leg stump. if she thinks back on how long they were out there, how bad it got, her stomach cramps, hungry and sick. )
our plane crashed and we got stuck for months in the wilderness. fucking canada probably. through the winter. we had a gun and i'd hunt with trav for the girls, but we ran the game out and ate bugs and maggots from the dirt for weeks. we were all gonna die and we didn't have a choice. no one's was gonna come fucking rescue us. i wasn't counting on some rich english fucks to even know we needed saving. we had to save ourselves.
so yeah. okay. we just we did what we had to do it's not as sexy as being a vampire.
[ Spike thinks about the girls at Nat's party, dressed up and trashed for the fun of it--how they orbited each other the way teen girls do. Knows without question there are people who'd be shocked at this revelation, but Spike's seen the whole scope of human nature in his years on this earth. He'd be more shocked if they hadn't committed some sort of violence with each other. ]
I know people who've done worse for way less than survival. Myself included.
We don't have to talk about it, if you don't want. But I'm here if you do.
( nat thinks there's probably not anything she wants to discuss less than this. at the same time, nat has fully accepted the truth some of the other girls (van, misty) haven't — there's no going back. nothing will ever, ever be the same, not in college, not in england, not anywhere in any place with any person. it's easy for nat, because she didn't have anyone to begin with. for the other girls? they struggle. they're in denial. they want to go back. )
i was gonna be next, you know. eaten. i drew the card. they all chased me through the woods. they wanted to slaughter me like a pig. but i let a boy die instead of me. i could've saved him. i didn't.
( that's just what it is: anytime anyone feels any positive emotion towards nat, they should be reminded of what she is. coach scott. spike. there's no one worse than a coward. )
that girl who told you. i'm pretty sure it was shauna. you should stay far away from her. she's not normal.
( she does try to picture for a second, what a girl spike loves might look like. goth, punk, indie, prep? )
i'm sorry about your girl. that's so fucked.
( she doesn't necessarily understand the killing people to loving them pipeline — travis is the beating heart of her world, and as long as nothing ever happens to him, she can continue living it. she can't imagine dying to save the world, but she can imagine dying for him, and to her, it's just about the same thing. )
do you remember being human?
it doesn't make me not rotten either. you know. after everything we've done. everything i did. there's no coming back from that right?
[ Not for the reasons Nat might think. Not all of them, at least.
Spike thinks of her, her eyes somewhere else and hair catching the light, warm and loved and finished. Clawing through six feet of dirt, alone, because none of her friends thought that far ahead. None knew what it'd be like, to be dead and then suddenly not.
And he's too selfish to wish they'd undo it. They know that, too. ]
I remember. Memories are in there deep, but...not the feeling of it, exactly.
No such thing as a fresh start, love. No matter what they sell you.
( it's out before she can really think about the consequences of asking — death is always at the forefront of her mind, a close friend, her worst enemy. if she was really meant to die in the wilderness, then she's a walking corpse now, stumbling between surviving and the inevitable moment of her death. maybe tomorrow. maybe the day after that. it's shauna shipman or a gun. )
sorry, spike. you don't have to answer that. i feel kinda bad you get to live forever. that feels like like way worse than dying young
( do you ever want it all to be over? she thinks. do you ever wish your teammates were just a little bit faster? )
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no subject
but the fact is: someone told him something. unless there are other teenaged cannibals running around here somewhere, that means one of hers squealed, after they all promised not to. nat knows exactly who she thinks it was. )
no
what the fuck are you talking about?
no subject
Back at your birthday...your coach said something about the lot of you getting stranded in the wilderness. Talked to a girl on the network whose friend died in the winter.
Thought it might've been you. Or one of yours, I guess.
no subject
we didn't
( long minutes in between — left to fester, like coach ben scott's rotting leg stump. if she thinks back on how long they were out there, how bad it got, her stomach cramps, hungry and sick. )
our plane crashed and we got stuck for months in the wilderness. fucking canada probably. through the winter. we had a gun and i'd hunt with trav for the girls, but we ran the game out and ate bugs and maggots from the dirt for weeks.
we were all gonna die and we didn't have a choice. no one's was gonna come fucking rescue us. i wasn't counting on some rich english fucks to even know we needed saving. we had to save ourselves.
so yeah. okay. we just
we did what we had to do
it's not as sexy as being a vampire.
no subject
I know people who've done worse for way less than survival. Myself included.
We don't have to talk about it, if you don't want. But I'm here if you do.
no subject
i was gonna be next, you know. eaten. i drew the card. they all chased me through the woods. they wanted to slaughter me like a pig.
but i let a boy die instead of me. i could've saved him. i didn't.
( that's just what it is: anytime anyone feels any positive emotion towards nat, they should be reminded of what she is. coach scott. spike. there's no one worse than a coward. )
that girl who told you. i'm pretty sure it was shauna.
you should stay far away from her. she's not normal.
no subject
Dunno that I'm the right person for this sort of talk, you know. But
Girl I love died not that long ago. Saved the world, doing it. And I still think about everything I could've done different to save her.
And not long before that, I wanted to kill her with my own two hands.
[ Sometimes still wonders about it, because it's his nature. Because he's a monster, isn't he? ]
You want to know a big secret about vampires? We're just the worst parts of our human selves, at the core of it.
You're right that your friend's not normal. Neither are you, I'd reckon. Doesn't make you rotten.
no subject
i'm sorry about your girl. that's so fucked.
( she doesn't necessarily understand the killing people to loving them pipeline — travis is the beating heart of her world, and as long as nothing ever happens to him, she can continue living it. she can't imagine dying to save the world, but she can imagine dying for him, and to her, it's just about the same thing. )
do you remember being human?
it doesn't make me not rotten either. you know. after everything we've done. everything i did.
there's no coming back from that right?
no subject
[ Not for the reasons Nat might think. Not all of them, at least.
Spike thinks of her, her eyes somewhere else and hair catching the light, warm and loved and finished. Clawing through six feet of dirt, alone, because none of her friends thought that far ahead. None knew what it'd be like, to be dead and then suddenly not.
And he's too selfish to wish they'd undo it. They know that, too. ]
I remember. Memories are in there deep, but...not the feeling of it, exactly.
No such thing as a fresh start, love. No matter what they sell you.
cw: suicide ideation
( it's out before she can really think about the consequences of asking — death is always at the forefront of her mind, a close friend, her worst enemy. if she was really meant to die in the wilderness, then she's a walking corpse now, stumbling between surviving and the inevitable moment of her death. maybe tomorrow. maybe the day after that. it's shauna shipman or a gun. )
sorry, spike. you don't have to answer that.
i feel kinda bad you get to live forever. that feels like
like way worse than dying young
( do you ever want it all to be over? she thinks. do you ever wish your teammates were just a little bit faster? )
no subject
My maker. One who turned me. Hurt like hell, for a minute, but then--
[ Oblivion and rebirth, stronger and faster and sure of everything, leaving every sneering idiot who laughed at him in the dust. ]
Then you're on top of the food chain. Top of the world.
So you wouldn't take it, then? If I offered to turn you. Get the death part over with, your girlfriends couldn't eat you anymore.